thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
