they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
