Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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