Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
