i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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