I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
