you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
