I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
