Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
