I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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