i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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