Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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