I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
