I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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