haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
