The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
