I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
