so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
