Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
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