i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize