I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
