ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
