I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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