I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize