May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
