I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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