there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
