dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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