The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
