did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
