He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
