stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize