There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
