she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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