You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize