Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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