Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
