My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
