Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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