fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
