awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
