Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
