my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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