I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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