That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
