did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize