dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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