1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
