true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
