i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
