Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
