so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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