There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
