..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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