phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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