I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
