We got so high we made milksteak
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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