Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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