According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
