Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize