I met the friendliest cop last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
