Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
