oh god the rape fog is back!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
