Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The ass gains better be worth it
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